This post hasn’t come easily. Words have been written, deleted and then rewritten. I’m unable to get my thoughts out as clearly as what I want. But that’s okay.
Over the past week I’ve felt off, weird even, and the only reasons I can think of is because it’s been hot, there’s been a bushfire near where I live, and 2019 has come to an end and I’m not quite ready yet – or maybe I am and I just don’t know it.
I’ve felt a range of emotions. I’ve been anxious, nervous, uneasy, excited, reflective, eager, scared, content. Both the positives and negatives. Change is happening.
2020 is going to be a big year, bigger than 2019, and I know that.
& I’m ready for change.
I mentioned reflective because I’ve found myself looking back over 2019, over who I was throughout it and the events that happened. I actually can’t remember a lot of it but it started out as a good year. I’m also reflecting on how I can be a better me and really make 2020 my year.
You were one of the biggest years of my life. I’d like to thank you for that. You forced me to get out of my comfort zone and I’ve grown in ways I never thought I would.
The biggest and scariest change was starting university. I was scared and incredibly anxious. But those emotions quickly disappeared as I settled into my new routine. I made the most amazing friends. University gave me a huge confidence boost and with like-minded people, by my side, I felt more supported and happier than I had in a long time.
University also brought new opportunities. I joined my very first gym: my campus’s gym. I gained new confidence in my body, I became stronger. I also started a university radio show with one of my best friends and it honestly brings me joy.
After completing my first year at university I feel good, I feel happy. But I’m also a little nervous for my second year. I love the course I’m in and I’m pretty stoked with my GPA.
During the mid-semester break, I caught up with my cousin. Another huge highlight of my year. I hadn’t seen her in ages and it was good to spend a week with her and my Aunty. We did a 6-hour hike together and we got our first tattoos (well, I got three).
I also have a job that I love: lifeguarding and teaching children to swim.
With all these highs there also were the lows.
I struggled. While I’ve never felt happier about who I am I also questioned my self-worth religiously. I felt more anxious and continuously second-guessed myself and everything I did. I felt as though I was working hard enough to be succeeding at university and that my work wasn’t very good. I’ve realised that when I feel negative about one aspect in my life every other aspect spirals out of control. So, for example if I didn’t get the grade I hoped for with an assignment then I’d feel a little down, question my self-worth and suddenly I hated my body and all my insecurities amplified themselves.
My cousin was killed in a horrible accident in September. He was too young and it’s heartbreaking to know that I never tried to get to know him more. It definitely opened my eyes a little.
I can’t forget the fires. It’s just gut-wrenching. Everywhere is black and the Hills has been burnt. Friends have lost property. Lives have been lost: currently one person and animals. I have no idea how the rest of the summer will go. It’s the 27th of December as I write this so I have no idea whether these fires will get worse in the next few days as we’re in a heatwave.
I think the best way to describe my feelings for 2020 is that I’m excited yet on edge because I don’t know what to expect.
I’m keen to get back to university and see all my friends. I’m wanting to work hard this year, really focusing on my work and assignments. I’m hoping to increase my productivity and reduce my procrastination.
I’ve also applied to study overseas for a semester at Cardiff. It’s been a dream of mine and will give me an edge in my career (hopefully). I know plane travel isn’t the best for our environment. If I do get accepted I’ll be going by myself into the unknown. It’s daunting and I’m nervous already. The application deadline is January the 11th and I’ll keep you updated!
The main thing I’m excited about is taking control of my life. I’m determined to become a better me; a better person in all aspects of my life. Along with focusing on Elysian Haze as well as becoming consistent with YouTube. I want to be authentic and so I’m going to be authentic.
Get ready for another year of growth!