I’m not going to lie, it feels a little weird to be writing for Elysian Haze again. It’s been far too long, and life has genuinely gotten in the way, plus as the semester has progressed, I’ve become a whole lot less organised. As a result, I have a lot to fill you in on, although, I’ll probably forget half of it before I can the words out.
I hope you’re happy with another rambling life update.
What’s been happening?
As I said, it’s been a hot minute. My last post was published in the second half of August, and it’s now coming to the end of October. That’s two whole months, and my goodness has time flown (and a lot happened).
It’s actually interesting to look back over that post and read it again. I’m still in a similar boat, but I’ll explain it as I go.
At the beginning of the post I mentioned I was going to join the uni swim club, and that I was getting a tattoo. I’ve done both. I’ve swum with the club a few times (not as many as I’d hoped, but I’ll get there), and I’m in love with my tattoo.
Life went on, and it’s still going on… I eased out of that mind frame into a more healthy one, and life felt pretty good for a while.
The best way to fill you in is probably to summarise. So:
- I’ve been enjoying my radio producer job
- I’m now fully vaccinated
- I went on a five day hike that ended up being four days
- I went to a new physio and he told me what was wrong with my shoulder
- I worked as a print journalist for a few days
- I went to Whyalla for my radio job
- I’ve been super busy with uni work (especially lately)
- I injured my ankle on my hike
- I signed up to a triathlon
- And now I’m back in a negative mind frame, with immense feelings of imposter syndrome
And that’s a quick list of everything.
Coming out of my past ‘slump’, I felt incredible about life. Things were working, I was excited for my hike, joining the swim club, my tattoo, working as a journalist, and while things were fast-paced, it was at just the right speed. And I got an impulsive haircut in there somewhere too.
So, now let’s start at the beginning of that list and work my way down. I’ll try and go as chronologically as possible, but I feel like a scatterbrain at the moment.
My radio job & going to Whyalla
I don’t think I’ve really discussed what I do but I’m a radio producer for UniCast in a pilot program for UniSA. Every Monday (stopping after next week), I’ll produce and read two news bulletins with another news producer. We read them out live to whoever happens to be listening. We also have a current affairs program called The Loop, produce student news, and recently I went to Whyalla because of it.
Going to Whyalla was interesting. It had been months of preparation. We went to a high school to show some year 11 students the equipment and produced a show with them before going live at UniSA’s Whyalla campus. That happened last week. It was a lot. Driving there, doing the broadcasts, and then driving back to Adelaide. It took a lot out of me, in what is a critical time of the uni semester. At some points I didn’t feel like going because I was feeling overwhelmed, and well, it just wasn’t the right week for me mentally.
The odd bits of my list
So, I’ve already mentioned, but I got my tattoo, I joined the swim club… I also got vaccinated and went to a new physio. The physio part was an important part of things for me. My left shoulder just doesn’t function properly. I don’t have a range of motion, and it HURTS when I do certain exercises. Anyway, my physio told me it’s my shoulder blade, it doesn’t operate as it should – range of motion issues (also because my shoulders are super tight). It’s not a big deal, but I’ve been struggling with my shoulder for years, and it was a relief to finally know what’s wrong with it.
And uni is always a constant, but I also applied for work experience and have been shortlisted. I’m hoping to get it, but it’s also causing part of me to feel like an imposter because I feel like I’m not good enough and all that jazz.
I went on an adventure and a half. For a uni assignment, I chose to do a hike (we have to write a travel article) and it just gave me the excuse I needed to finally do it. I had a blast. I did the Wild South Coast Way (Cape Jervis to Victor Harbor), except I didn’t because I had to cut it short.
So, I went with two friends, which turned to one as the other had to go on a uni field trip. Anyway, walking on the fourth day, feeling great about being outdoors, I rolled my ankle to the point where I was entering shock. I knew I had done ligament damage, but we continued onto our campsite. The whole ending of it didn’t end how I had hoped, but I spent the night at Waitpinga with my mum and sister before returning home early rather than doing the final leg (which I was stoked for). I ended up straining two of my ligaments which has stopped me from playing tennis and swimming (but I’m easing back into them).
Injuring my ankle and coming back from my hike was what I would say was the beginning of my downward spiral.
Being a journalist
What an experience. Straight off the bat, I had to do my least favourite type of interview (the phone), and I spent a few days interviewing and writing articles. It was definitely a more high pressured environment than I’m used to, but it felt nice knowing I was going to be walking away and not having to worry. Whereas, I know if that’s the kind of journalism I get in I won’t be able to switch off from work.
This is more looking into the future, but I signed myself up for an indoor triathlon. I’d been thinking about doing one just for the sake of it, and then I happened to see one being advertised and thought it was fate.
It’s a timed event, so, rather than focusing on distance as fast as possible, you focus on distance within a set time. It’s a personal challenge rather than competing against others – if that makes sense?
& now we’re here
Life has been running at full speed. I feel like I’m constantly scrambling to stay in the race, only just getting back onto my feet in time for the next hurdle.
I’m in a constant state of detachment at the moment. I feel indifferent amongst it all. Talking about feelings, and describing them have never been my strong point, but it’s an important conversation to have. Getting out how I feel, even though writing, makes me feel a little better about things.
I’m overwhelmed. I’ve become more anxious. I feel like an imposter; I feel alone and unsupported. I feel like I’m drowning in negative emotions and that I’m unloveable and everything just spirals. My work isn’t good enough, I’m not good enough…
The problem is, I have no coping mechanisms and can’t stop myself from spiralling.
Resting and taking time off makes me feel lazy, and knowing that I’m falling again is the worst feeling. I want to curl up into a ball and disappear.
And it feels like it’s getting worse.
I’ve had a busy week and the fatigue has already kicked in. I could break into tears at any moment and often while listening to music while driving, I sometimes do.
I just always feel like I’m at breaking point or like I should shrink into the shadows because I’m not good enough.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’m trying to take things day by day, and build up a routine. Once the uni semester finishes, I’ll be heading straight into work which will hopefully give me enough structure to get out of my rut.
I’m also going to try and apply for my work experience opportunities, and attempt to ignore my imposter feelings.
My triathlon is coming up in November, so, I’m also going to focus on training for that. I want to get back into the habit of exercising because it makes me feel good, and right now, that’s not how I feel. I’m wanting to up my training anyway, but need to slowly ease into it and not go all out straight away.
Ultimately, I just want to see how I go. I’m going to take things slow, and one step at a time. I’m going to see how I go mentally and just navigate life as best as I can.
I am hoping to start spending more time on the blog. So, hopefully you’ll see more blog posts appearing.